What Mother Goose never told you.

Thus was titled an article M and I wrote for the college mag in our second year. and i suddenly felt the urge to sorta save it in the blog lest i lose the mag.:). It's supposed to be well..humorous.

A long, long time ago, in Far,Far Away Land, at the foot of a very rocky hill, in a very small house, a girl named Jill crept very cautiously out the back door, ostensibly to fetch a pail of water but actually to keep her clandestine meeting with the love of her life(or so she thought), George Paddington Pylus III, affectionately called Georgy Porgy. Little did she know, she was being secretly followed by a boy named Jack, her one and only brother, who suspected she was upto no good.

As she climbed the hill, a chill wind blew and a shiver ran down her spine. She looked up and saw a huge white ghostly form floating on top of the well. Convincing herself she was imagining things, she kept climbing up.As she came nearer to the top, the white form turned out to be none other than the very large, almost spherical, extremely pompous Sir Humpty Dumpty, the closest Adviser to His Majesty the King, sitting on the wall of the well.

Jack, meanwhile, dove into the bushes, a vantage point from which he could conveniently observe both Sir Humpty Dumpty and his sister. He knew something wasn't right, but he couldn't bring himself to believe that Jill and the nobleman had something going on between them...to say he didn't seem her type would be an understatement.

A sudden commotion at the foot of the hill made everyone look down. A man in court clothes was running up the hill as fast as he could, with what looked like all the King's horses and all the King's men in hot pursuit.On reaching the top, the man, in an act of desperation, jumped into the well, knocking Sir Humpty Dumpty clean off, who, owing to his sperical but fragile structure, started rolling down the hill and ended up breaking most of his limbs. The pursuers rushed to his aid, but in vain, for they couldn't put him together again.

Meanwhile, in another part of Far, Far Away Land, Little Miss Muffet, clad in a voluminous nightgown, was eating forbidden (for she was supposed to be on a diet) curds and whey on a particularly comfortable tuft of grass under a tree in the backyard of her house. Suddenly, she heard movement behind her which made her instinctively duck, just in time to avoid the casanova Georgy Porgy trying to grab her.

She hurriedly got to her feet and ran, yelling over her shoulder. " Oh no, you don't! You're not going to kiss me and make me cry like you did with all the other girls!"

Georgy, at first put off, ran in pursuit after her.

The two of them ran and ran until they came to the foot of the very same hill where so many fateful things were taking place that very night. They scrambled up ( Georgy by this time had completely frgotten about his rendezvous with Jill, of course), passing Sir Humpty surrounded by the king's guards, and stopped short when they saw Jill who looked surprised and suspicious at their appearance together.

Miss Muffet blushed furiously and Georgy shuffled his feet, suddenly remembering his prior appointment with Jill.

" Oh Georgy, you're here at last!" exclaimed Jill and then abruptly turned to Miss Muffet saying, " What are you doing here out at this time of the night?"

At which the young lady retorted," Speak for yourself. I was just sitting outside my house when...a large spider -" and here she threw a dirty look at Georgy "- sat down beside me and frightened me away."

Georgy interjected before Jill could ask anymore questions: "Ahem...yes, well...my love..I am here."

" What??!!" exclaimed Miss Muffet " You guys are..I mean...Jill!! YOU!...and...GEORGY?? Do you have any idea___"

"__How dangerous this place is at this time of the night? Let's go someplace else Jill.." finished Georgy quickly looking pleadingly at Miss Muffet.

Before Muffet could reply , Georgy felt himself being forcefully grabbed at the collar by a pair of hands." You're not going anywhere, Mr. George Paddington. We have got to clear some things up, don't we?" said Jack, about to deliver a hard ounch on Georgy's nose. Jill tried to stop Jack by grabbing his hand while Georgy attempted to break free of Jack's grasp. While trying to fight off both, Jack tripped and fell down, pulling Jill along who came tumbling after him.

During this hallabaloo, nobody noticed a spiky-haired figure dart out from behind the bushes (different from the ones Jack had been hiding behind), grab a packet of something off the ground and run down the other side of the hill. This was the notorious trouble-making punk rocker and junkie, Johnny.

He was the reason Sir Humpty Dumpty ever came to the well in the first place, for the not-so-noble nobleman had a secret side business of selling brown sugar to the inhabitants of Far, Far Away Land and Johnny was his biggest customer. The two shady characters had arranged a rendezvous of their own at the well, obviously not predicting the cataclysmic events that would unfold there.

Johnny had watched the whole thing, from start to finish, especially the precious packet falling from Sir Humpty's hands, the only thought passing through his head being "Free Dope!". And now, seeing an opportunity he made away with the goods.

Though he entered his dark house as quietly as he could, a severe voice made him jump.
"Johnny!"
"Yes, papa?" replied Johnny resignedly. " Brown sugar again?" came the acid enquiry from his father, who emerged in a nightgown and cap. " No, papa", said Johnny, trying to sound nonchalent. " you can't fool me, liar" his father shot back.

" I'm not, Papa. Why don't you go back to sleep and leave alone for once, alright? Geez!" And without giving his father time to respond to this hardly satisfactory reply,he disappeared into his room, slamming the door.

The next morning, a lot of things came to light.Jill's secret affair with Georgy Porgy, Georgy Porgy's attempt at mishandling Miss Muffet, Sir Humpty Dumpty's dirty 'Business' and another very shocking revelation: the Queen was having an episode of infidelity with a knave (who was later fished out of the well by the King's men). The whole thing was hushed up of course, with the rather ridiculous explanation that he had stolen some tarts she'd baked or some such.

It was thus that Mother Goose ( the "wise" woman of the Land - that is the only one with any sense in the place) , to preserve the reputation of the inhabitants of Far, Far Away Land, came up with quite a few soppy rhymes twisting these events and putting them forward in a pretentiously innocent manner. She then proceeded to popularize them among children, thereby ensuring that nobody ever thought of questioning them. Until, one day, after Georgy Porgy's demise, someone stumbled upon his secret, secret diary(which he mainly used to write the names of the all the girls he kissed) where he had also recorded that fateful day's events vividly(albeit with spelling mistakes) and sold to the authors of this article.